What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 08:42
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Who then, do I blame.?
Ive learnt so much.
Are LGBT people accepted in Japan?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
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But, we were locked up after school.
Put me off passion for life!!
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why is going on a date today so much different than it was when I was young?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Do you think cheating is that bad?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
Especially a lifetime of it.
I think the readers, may guess!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
We all went to grammer schools
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I waited trembling.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My family never makes their pension either.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
(And it was in our own minds.)
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I said to her
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
So whats the point in blame.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I write beautiful poetry .
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Comes on , in middle age.
My life is so biszare .
All the time i was locked up.
Was to survive, this bastard.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I have no regrets .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
He knew the spot.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Would this be the day?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I will be 64.
And i lived it daily.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I could never make a relationship work though!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She married twice! .
She found it foreign!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I don,t even have a pension.
What did i know ?
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
She was in good health!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He resisted the act ,that day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
But ive been too sick for many years..
And who doesn’t know suffering?
But it wasn’t much.
I was very sick at this time too.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I was 9 years of age.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
This is soul school!.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
She wouldn,t have been !
She loved him until the end.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
One cannot live in the past .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I was seconnd youngest,
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
When she asked me how she looked .
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We were not on the streets..
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was scared of men, in general
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)